Quotes are great, aren't they? I've taken my favorites from this past year and compiled them here, to take you into 2009 with a bit of a chuckle (and occasionally, a nod of agreement).
The world is filled with irony, and here is proof: "I think the results last night prove the wisdom of my investment." -- Hilary Clinton, after winning an early primary, on lending $5m of her own money to her presidential campaign. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, Hilary.
"We have no business qualifications, we don't understand marketing, and we're not very good at anything." -- Michael and Xochi Birch, who are set to make in excess of $850 million from the sale of the Bebo social networking site to AOL. Meanwhile, there are as many "X-rings" at Tim Horton's as there are double-doubles.
"I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing. I don't want kids. I'm a redneck." -- Levi Johnston, boyfriend of Bristol Palin, and father of the baby she had a few weeks ago. Hindsight sure is 20/20. Quotes coming out of Hollywood are always good for a laugh: "I feel like I am 20 again, but with arthritis." -- Sylvester Stallone, 61, on his return as as Rambo. No word, however, on whether arthritis was the purpose of the massive amounts of injected anabolic steroids.
"There's always someone younger and prettier." -- Actress Gwyneth Paltrow, 35. She should really have a talk with Demi Moore.
"If I see something sagging, bagging and dragging, I'm going to nip it, tuck it and suck it." -- Dolly Parton reveals her anti-aging procedure. At least she's honest about it, right?
"What is the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't wander down Grafton Street thinking he's Bono." -- Irish TV personality Louis Walsh. Now THAT was funny.
"They are steeped in sin and, if eaten long enough or in quantity, will almost certainly kill you." -- Actress Emma Thompson on the scourge of potato chips. I think that description comes from Keira Knightly's diet book, "I've Been Starving Since 1992: An Actress' Guide to Deprivation and Anorexia".
"Everyone over 50 should be issued every week with a wet fish in a plastic bag by the Post Office so that, whenever you see someone young and happy, you can hit them as hard as you can across the face." -- Richard Griffiths, the 61-year-old actor. He might be bitter, but I bet he eats chips without shame.
"I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested for sexually transmitted infections and most of the time I don't even need to." -- Kelly Osborne. If you didn't laugh at that, you need to read it again.
One of the most interesting figures of 2008 was Sarah "Caribou Barbie" Palin. There are so many fantastic quotes by and about her, that I had a hard time picking out my favorites. Here are a few gems: "If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself. If Palin were a man, we'd all be guffawing... But because she's a woman — and the first ever on a Republican presidential ticket — we are reluctant to say what is painfully true." ―conservative columnist Kathleen Parker, writing in National Review. Thank you, Kathleen, my thoughts exactly.
"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." ―Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update". That one might be mean, but it's so funny I couldn't resist.
"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is." -- Sarah Palin. And to think, Americans nearly ushered that level of Paris Hilton-esque eloquence right into the White House. Yikes.
On the bright side, President Elect Barack Obama let fly a few funny, sometimes inspirational, quotes of his own, like: "Washington is a place where good ideas go to die." Excellent point.
He also said, in his victory speech on November 4, "If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer." Those lines will be quoted for years to come.
Finally, what would a list of memorable quotes be without a zinger from the outgoing George W. Bush: "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." Goodbye and good luck, Mr. Bush.
Happy new year, everyone!
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